Archive | August 2012


Riding down the road, Jimmy turned to his Dad and asked why Mommy had to leave.  Walter had dreaded this question for the past two hours, and two hours is not a short amount of time when you’ve spent them staring at the covers of old magazines in a hospital waiting room.  The anticipatory silence from Jimmy expecting an answer hung in the air like still smoke in a windowless room, and it started to make Walter cringe.  He told Jimmy that there was a place that all of us went when we died.  We all went to a beautiful place where everyone was happier than they are now.  A place where you could eat your favorite meal every day and there were no commercials on TV.  A place where you could be whoever you wanted to be and no one would tell you otherwise.  The place that Mommy went to was eternal, and so she never again needed to experience the feeling of loss, the feeling that the two passengers in the car knew all too well.

Jimmy said that he liked the sound of this place and asked if they could go there to visit Mommy.  Walter thought about Jimmy’s question for a moment, really taking in all the implications that went along with it, before finally saying yes.  In a flash he jerked the wheel of his 1992 Ford Escort into the guardrail of the narrow bridge they were driving on and sent the vehicle hurtling through the air down towards the water below.  It was then that Walter felt the most free that he ever had in his life.  There comes a time in life when you realize that the person you wished you would become, is never going to be.  This is a point where you feel like you’ve tried everything you could to improve your life, but circumstances outside your control always made you stop short.  You’ve tried everything possible you tell yourself, everything that is except death.  Who knows what could be waiting for you on the other side of that wall.  Perhaps everything that you wished to be possible was just right there, waiting for you.  There was only one way to find out.

Walter looked at his son, who had a look of profound fear on his face, but also a look of trust in his eyes as he looked back at his father.  Trust that his father wouldn’t lead him to the wrong place, and that if he only followed his father’s lead he would be all right.  This was the type of trust that only a dependent could have for their caregiver, mainly because they didn’t have a choice.  The problem with children is their innocence and their loyalty.  Perhaps if we had learned to disobey our parents sooner we wouldn’t end up driving off a bridge with our only son in the car and our only daughter at home waiting for us to come home with the prognosis of her mother’s stroke.

But there was no time to think about these things now since all Walter had to do was look forward to the impending death that was staring him straight in the face.  If he could do it all over again, he probably wouldn’t.  He was excited about his future.  He just hoped that Jimmy felt the same way.



I felt the forces of evil walking up beside me.  I knew that they were there, I didn’t want them to be, and yet I wasn’t strong enough to ward them off.  I kept walking along, now accompanied every step of the way by this energy, and I just figured that if I didn’t acknowledge it’s presence, a conscious awareness of it, that I could assume less responsibility for the disastrous outcome that would inevitably come.

If I had felt one more time the energy of the evil, perhaps then I would have been strong enough to dispel it from my body.  But the that place I was in, I could not do so, and I surrendered control of my body to a force which I could easily blame and play a helpless victim card in my defense.

But to know that something should have been done, and not have done it, not only makes you responsible, it also proves your weakness.  And your weakness is something that must be attended to so that you can have more freedom in the future.  Freedom to walk where you want to in the future, and not be distracted by such evil forces.

Freedom is the ability to do what you feel is right, to follow the truth, without getting distracted by outside influences.

Living with liberty

The human species is not designed for individualism.  It’s not designed for freedom.  It’s wired for tribal societies.  Learning to live as an individual and learning to live with liberty is an incredibly hard thing to do, and it’s something that everyone struggles with to some extent.

People who aren’t ready to become true individuals subscribe to different forms of group think.  Group think is the cradle and the womb for blossoming individuals.  Some people never grow up to be able to think on their own.

And who could blame them really?  The incredibly rapid civilizations that have sprung up over the past couple hundred years are like things that we’ve never seen on this planet before, and it only stands to reason that our minds would have to play a little bit of catch up to learn how to cope with this new world we live in.  It’s evolution in process that we can watch right before our eyes, and we have a whole slew of industries designed to help us along.

‘Man is free only to the extent of his self-mastery’ – Socrates


I come out of the trance

Still wanting to dance

I don’t want to go back

To the life that plagues me.

I want to stay in the night

Where everything’s alright.


I know this can’t last forever

But even still

I’d like to believe it will.

And I’d like to spend

Just a little more time there.


When things aren’t going as you’d like

It’s easy to turn to vice

Just to try and make living this life

A bit easier to deal with.


And who could blame anyone?

You could still do alright.

But at the end of the night

You may lay awake

And wonder what might.


What might have been

Had you not spent all your time

Chasing a dream

That could never come true

And instead

Spent your time

Working on you.


We live our lives in a pit of illusions.

To see life through the veil of mind-made illusions is far easier than to see reality head on, because in this way you can make the world look however you want to.  And we all do it to some extent.  It would be a very rare person who doesn’t come up with a few illusions or mental constructs about the world in order to make living this life a little bit easier.

Me personally, I do this all the time with the opposite sex during the initial phases of a relationship.  When I just meet someone new and right after the first few times having sex, I can tend to think that this person is someone special and I can start to imagine how it would be to spend a lot of time with them.  I start to think about all the ways that we’re right for each other, all the while actively ignoring all the ways that we’re not right for each other.

And why do I do this?  Because it feels good.  It feels good to think you’ve met someone really special and that your life is about to get a whole lot better.  Sometimes we need this illusion in order to get through rough patches in our lives.

Fortunately, now I’ve developed enough awareness that this illusion doesn’t last to the point of spending way too long in a relationship that isn’t a good fit.  Unfotunately though, there are many people who have not developed such awareness.

Any time you see an incredibly tumultuous relationship, where everyone knows that it’s not a good fit and yet the people end up staying together for years anyways.  Or when a relationship progresses at a rate that couldn’t possibly be in proportion with how long it takes to really get to know someone.  These are the types of relationships predicated on illusion.  And the real negative thing about these types of relationships is that it drains people of all their time and energy that they could be devoting to realizing and practicing their life’s purpose.

The way hey eyes look back at me

As if she can see something I can’t see

I knew all that I ever wanted to be

Was looking back at her.



To have that epiphany

That thought

That life changing realization

These are the moments that move our lives forward

And bring it creation


Although these moments of clarity

Are fleeting

When you can see your life, and feel the universe

There’s no one you’d rather be meeting


And once it vanishes

Just smile and move on

Because if you stare too long

It’ll be gone


This is the light that never dies

And here is where the heart of life lies.

“And when the event, the big change in your life, is simply an insight – isn’t that a strange thing?  That absolutely nothing changes except that you see things differently, and you’re less fearful and less anxious and generally stronger as a result: isn’t it amazing that a completely invisible thing in your head can feel realer than anything you’ve experienced before?  You see things more clearly and you know you’re seeing them more clearly.  And it comes to you that this is what it means to love life, this is all anybody who talks seriously about God is ever talking about.  Moments like this.”

-Jonathan Franzen.  The Corrections.

The dance

She never appreciates it when you don’t live your fullest
She’ll hit you with a wrath of fire
To live your purpose is all she asks
Even though it is the grandest task.

I feel we have a soul [sole] purpose
What that is we need to find
This is the first part of your life
I’m not sure what you had in mind.

Living from one fleeting pleasure to the next?
Perhaps a little bit of sex?
Anything to keep your mind off the intuition
Because that is the part that tells the truth.

But it’s not easy
It requires self-discipline
It requires the delaying of pleasures
But the ones that come later
Always end up so much greater.

Without these, everything we do becomes disillusion
And always results in mass confusion
We wonder where we went wrong
But we dare not look at the most obvious
Because that has been our entire life.